The Difference Between Love and Attachment

To generate true love, you need to know how it differs from attachment. Ordinary love and compassion are intertwined with attachment, because their motivations are selfish: you care about certain people because they temporarily help you or your friends. As Nagarguna's Precious Garland says:

Thought involved with attachment to others
Is an intention to help or not to help
Due to being affected by desire
Or an intent to harm.

Because such love and compassion are under the sway of attachment, they cannot be extended to enemies, only friends - your spouse, children, parents, and so forth. Whereas if love and compassion thrive within the clear recognition of the importance and rights of others, they will reach even those who would do you harm.

From childhood I have had a tendency toward love and compassion, but it was biased. When two dogs were fighting, I would have strong feelings for the one who lost. Even when two bugs fought, I had a strong concern for the smaller one, but would be angry at the winner. That shows that my love and compassion were biased.

In turning away from attachment, you need no ignore essential needs, such as food, shelter, and sleep. Rather, you should separate yourself from superficial distractions that elicit such exclamations as, "This is wonderful!" "I must have this!" "Oh, if I only could have this!"

When you give your life over to such thoughts, finery and money become more attractive than spiritual development; distressing emotions increase, leading to trouble, disturbing yourself and those around you, while you figure out ways to satisfy these emotions, causing yet more trouble. Driven ragged by attachment, you find no comfort.

The best way to overcome counterproductive attachments is to realize that the very nature of life is that what has gathered will eventually disperse - parents, children, brothers, sisters, and friends. No matter how much friends love each other, eventually they must part. The mistake is to see these situations as inherently pleasurable. Attachment is built on this misperception and will always cause more pain.

Good fortune is not permanent; consequently, it is dangerous to become too attached to things going well. An outlook of permanence is ruinous. When the present becomes your preoccupation, the future does not matter, which undermines your motivation to engage in compassionate practices for the future enlightenment of others.

An outlook of impermanence helps. By seeing that the true nature of things is disintegration, you will not be shocked by change when it occurs, not even death.

- How to Expand Love: Widening the Circle of Loving Relationships By His Holiness the Dalai Lama

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