Resolve "Unfinished Business" With Family, Friends, and Past Lovers or Spouses

To meet each other in the field beyond ideas, that place of peace and love, it helps to be free of resentment and hurt from the past. For some it's a big task, but as well feel the lightness that comes from clearing the air with others, we gain the courage to continue.

Clearing out old hurts and resolving conflict is both an internal and external process. Sometimes an old relationship still bothers us because we continue telling ourself stories about how it reflects on us - we were a jerk, stupid, or deluded. In this case we need to question our faulty assumptions. There may be no need to speak to the other person. Other times, if the person is currently in our life, or we believe a conversation would be helpful, we might decide to talk with him or her.

In either case, it's important to be aware that unresolved losses and conflict life in us as a form of energy. You may suddenly feel a knot in your gut, a dull ache in your chest, a tightness in your throat when you remember the lover who left without saying good-bye, the time you screamed at your partner and walked out the door, the death of your former spouse, the argument with your brother, to whom you no longer speak.

If you notice your body sensations when you think of "unfinished business," it will help you realize the cost of carrying this pain around. To become aware of unfinished business in your life, ask yourself the following five questions.

1. Who comes to mind when I think of unresolved grief, hurt or pain?

2. To whom do i need to apologize?

3. With whom do I need to talk over conflict and seek some form of resolution?

4. To whom do I need to send thanks?

5. What are the conclusions I've made about myself that relate to these situations?

Your list may be long or short. It may also change as you begin the process. You clear the air with one person, and another situation seems to resolve itself in your mind, or you suddenly think of something else you need to address.

If you are serious about spiritually bonded relationship, take this list and start working through it. While we can sometimes put unresolved conflicts on a shelf, they have a way of falling off and clunking us on the head unexpectedly.

We thought we were free from hurt, but when a friend mentions our former lover, we feel sudden sadness or a sharp burning sensation in our chest.

- If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path by Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D.

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